Conference Survivor Gifts

"We're all in the same boat, except it's more like a life raft than an actual boat."

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'That last meeting was a complete turn-off.'

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

"'Meetingpalooza' sounded better in the brochure."

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

'Careful, that's where the boss keeps his ego.'

The vice-president in charge of sincerity

'Something tells me this is going to be a long meeting.'

"For cryin' out loud, Frank, we don't have all day! Cut to the cheese!"

'It never fails. I offer a tiny bit of constructive criticism, and everybody accuses me of carping!'

'Brains...brains...brains...'

"Well, let's quickly put Ken's incredibly incendiary remarks behind us and hopefully continue the discussion in a simmering rage."

'Thanks, Brian, for your thoughtful and constructive proposal. Without further ado, we'll now dive into malicious, envy-based criticism, character assassination and petty bickering!'

"Sorry, I'm preaching again. Why don't we pause for a moment while I pass around the collection plate."

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

Meeting not going well?"

'Is that a suspicious package in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?'

Unsuccessful board meeting.

"Sorry I'm late, boss...I forgot about today's video meeting!"

'And in conclusion.'

"Maybe you do have all the answers but they didn't match any of our questions."

That's not the reaction I was going for. Let me try to put a different spin on it.

"It drives me mad when people act as though we had nothing to do except write moronic memorandum..."

violence in workplace

'Jones, somewhere out there, we've lost our common sense. I want you to go and bring it back.'

Is that one of those wafer thin computers?

"Recent research has yielded some frightening results...It turns out we are a business team held forever on a presentation chart, locked away in a supply closet."

'You think he overheard my last lecture on tax code revision?'

There's a real disconnect going on here.

'Don't go too far out on a limb - he'll send you to a branch office.'