Press Conference Survivor Gifts

'Hurry up, coach. Pick one.. you're late for the press conference.'

"...And do you Sean Spicer take Kelly Anne Conway..." "The marriage of alternative facts"

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"We're all in the same boat, except it's more like a life raft than an actual boat."

"As the new head coach, my first move will be to blow up the entire roster."

"Will this job involve multiple choice, true and false, or essay questions?"

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

"But for an update in GM products in farming we have a spokescarrot."

'No comment for now, but there will be a press leak at four.'

Dollars Press Conference

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

"Please remember - if the President doesn't get mad at you, don't take it personally - Mr. Trump is very, very busy."

"Where do you see yourself after 5 beers?"

"A High-Pain Job? Yes, I believe we have that."

"Can you characterize yourself in five words."

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

I'm sorry Charles is unavailable for polite comment.

"That's a very good question, which is why we're going to move on to the next question."

'Where do you see yourself five years from now?'

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

"Road? What particular road are we talking about here? You'll have to be more specific..."

Republicans have me feeling reflective about capitalism, in a good way. Uh, oh. You've been with the company 20 years. I appreciate that kind of loyalty. I just want you to know that. Thanks. It also makes me realize that you have few other job options and thus are more or less subject to my whims regarding pay and benefits. Okay, pep talk over. Enjoy your day. Hang on, I could maybe possibly get a job at Coffee King!

"So where do you see yourself in 5 years apart from a thousand miles from this f****** s**thole?"

The main reason I came out of hiding? FOMO."

'I have time for 3 more of those politically booby-trapped minefields you call questions.'

"...were in fact not victims but just had a really, really hard time getting out of bed this morning."

It was the harshest job interviews Peter had ever attended...

"The aliens that control my brain really want me to get this job."

"For a change of pace, you shout and answer and I'll make up a question."

Diddly

'This is an amicable split. Coach O'Neill has done a great job. We just have different ideas...'

"My last job was as a mine interpreter...I would go to a park and describe what the mime was trying to convey."

"Your credentials are certainly impressive."

'The interview panel will see you now.'

"Trump's election victory was intended by God!"