Cone Conversationalist Gifts

Traffic cone tells bollard: 'It's a tough life ... always on the road.'

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

"Ed's tree hugging was out of control."

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

'Actually, I don't get out much. I spend most of my time alone, writing lyrical novels celebrating nature and the interconnectedness of all living things!'

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

Snow is falling...

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"Wanna get pigeon holed?"

Greek in gallery with Greek statues

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

So, what brings you two here today? Amanda Kern. Comics counseling.

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

A lesson in wit

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

"It's discretionary income but I occasionally use it for indiscretions."

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

"I unleash greed, disease, and death on the world, and you're saying you ate an apple that made you smart?"

'Every time I go on an ego trip, I get hijacked by terrorists!'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'