Conversationist Gifts

“I think you’ve had enough.”

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Is it just me, right, is it just me ...?"

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"I'll have to go now, Penny. My boyfriend keeps wittering on about something or other!"

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

A lesson in wit

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

"I find it helps to imagine Go as some kind of divine creator."

'One of his spectacles is bigger than the other!'

"My main worry is my anxiety."

'My advice; forget the elephant in the room - focus on the Quad Demy.'

'No, we don't take complaints, we SELL complaints.. If the sign said POPCORN, you wouldn't try to GIVE me popcorn, would you?'

Bla Bla Bla

'...I said, well now that they've reached saturation point at least they're not making so many...'