Condiment Critic Gifts

"I have a fear of tartar sauce."

'Mustard, ketchup and mayo are all nice and creamy smooth. Why isn't anything being done about relish?'

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

6 Brothers Falafel

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

View to the Future

"Maybe if we added some pumpkin spice?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Something romantic, perhaps?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Rump roast?"

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."