Compulsive Upgrader Gifts

'I'm upgrading. What's the difference between these two?' '

"I can't believe how great my life is now: We used to live in an apartment, but now, I have my own garden..."

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

Resume Consultant. Listing professional development courses you've taken since your last job was fine, but don't put"New & Improved" above your name.

"I can't stand this new hardware. It's much harder than the old hardware."

I don't want to buy anything. I don't want to upgrade. Watch this! What are you doing? Looking at an ad for the new Mac laptop. My heart's not racing! What's wrong with me?! It is sleek.

Rudy, am I correct that you and Armstrong each just upgraded your laptops? Yeah, so? And last month, if I'm not mistaken, you and Armstrong each upgraded your phones. Again, so? Don't you see what's happened to you and Armstrong? You've synchronized your cycles. What? Your upgrade cycles! They're in sync! What in the world are you talking about? What in the world indeed?!

"Just saying, if you can't trust your software upgrades, what can you trust?"

A fish jumping from a tank that reads "Tropical fish $5.00" into a tank that reads "Tropical fish $20.00"

"It's quite alright searching for the perfect phone. But remember there always will be upgrades."

'Couldn't you just leave that here until we're sure the new system works?'

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

"I can guarantee it's the latest thing...until the next thing arrives."

It's the Fad Herald. I should've upgraded my phone. Hear ye. Today, a special announcement. The following is now in: Hope. Until further notice, that tingly, expectant feeling you're experiencing may be interpreted as optimism, mild euphoria, the illusion of better times ahead. Wow. Now that you mention it. Cool. Wait ... What do you man by illusion? Looking ahead to 2020 trends: Disappointment. Nah. We'll be fine, I'm sure.

"It's just now starting to get comfortable. Why would I want to buy a new chair?"

"Wherever he is, I know he'll be upgraded."

'It's for the office computer. It's been replaced.'

"Every time I offer them an upgrade, they click on 'not now'."

"As long as we're renewing our vows, I'd like to trade him in for a newer model."

'Let's just see how intuitive this software really is.'

"I wish I hadn't rushed out and bought this model, your new model is much better!"

"If you're going to use a TV as your computer monitor, I suggest investing in a new model."

STRIP Hambone: expensive new computer model

'It's not directed at you. Most of us have to upgrade our computers a month after buying them.'

"I've managed to beat the taxman, I had a coffee in Starbucks, upgraded my Vodaphone and did some shopping on Amazon."

"My husband is much like his computer. . . a constant work in progress."

… and this model reminds you that its already out of date. I'm obsolete. Buy something new, loser! Handy.

Kindly readers, scientific literature has long established that women who spend a lot of time together synchronize their hormonal cycles. I believe I have discovered an analogous phenomenon in men. They too synchronize their cycles. What cycles? Their upgrade cycles! Look carefully, if you will, at the way men who like or work in close quarters seem to develop similar cycles for upgrading phones, televisions and other gadgets. I got a new phone! I got a new butter churn! He's right! Aaaahhh!!!

Colin liked to keep up with the latest technologies.

"It says they're upgrading their software to something worse."

'Teachers can't be bought off with apples today. Maybe if I gave her small kitchen appliances?'

'Hello, tech support? How do I know if I'm using the latest version of the internet?'

Tonight, on "Cops," a local man leads police on a high-speed chase through Best Buy. It all began when clerks noticed he was coming in every day to upgrade different obsolete items. When he ran out of his own obsolete hardware, he began rummaging through other customers' pockets looking for old cellphones to upgrade. He zoomed free, but cops had no trouble tracking the perp down. Please don't be Rudy. Please don't be Rudy. Please don't - Maybe next time "Rudy" will think twice before personalizi

Computer nerd sits at do-it-yourself upgraded computer.

'I only got a C minus, but as soon as I get home, I'm planning on downloading an upgrade.'