Complaint Maestro Gifts

To Whom It May Concern: Your scratching posts are far inferior to couches.

'Fred, I want you to sanitize this, punch it up, dumb it down, leak it to the media and then be fully prepared to deny it!'

Text Culture

'It seems to work, I couldn't afford a blackberry!'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking...'

Target your message

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"What's important is that we learn from what we must never admit happened."

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

"Great idea of yours to offer their money back if not satisfied."

Teacher getting the childrens attention by pretending to be on television.

The Four Tops in Concert

Comedy, Tragedy, Karaoke

Hip-hop cops on stage.

"Baldo, do you have a summer reading list?"

'What does the internet have against my people?'

"He's cooing on the ledge. May I take a message?"

"I seem to have forgotten what I was going to say...please...hold the applause!"

"These days I do a little sub-editing on the side too!"

"Afterward, there will be a short Q. and A. that will be just long enough for one person to take up too much of it."

'There's more information available now than ever before. I can only block out so much of it.'

'Forget about 'who,what,when,where,why,how'...Instead 'Will it sell papers...attract advertisers?'

"O.K., but what I'm about to tell you does not leave this news cycle."

Due to obsessive and intrusive attention by the Media, this news conference will be cancelled

The Poet.

'This is Kevin O'Shea, my big sister's answering service.'

"Take off your mailman's uniform before you return home. We have a new dog."

"When you quote a Presidential candidate, Gorman, you do not—I repeat—do not roll your eyes."

Recording Studio

The alphabet blocks are great for teaching him how to text!

These remarks are completely off the record

'Overwhelm the facts with interpretation and have it on my desk Thursday.'

"How do you respond to critics who claim you're just trying to scare people?"

TV Repair 101.