Competitive Parent Gifts

"Hi, Honey—what achievements today?"

"Zach is in the gifted-and-talented-and-you're-not class."

'Sunstroke?' - 'Soccer Mom.'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

"Two months with this and they blow their preschool entrance exams right out of the water."

Yummy Mummies

'Don't take it too hard, Dad, Mr. Hodes down the street is just having a great year.'

Hey, no penalty! Are you blind? That 10 year old was asking for it!

"Looks like Dad has finally given up on trying to beat us at chess."

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

"Can you juggle a household, three kids, and a career?"

'I know I'm still in the Juniors, but I already need a therapist.'

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

'Still having problems finding a baby sitter?'

"It's a GPS for busy executive mom. It tells you if your coming or going and when you'll get there!"

The young Michael Phelps: 'Just another four laps and I'll get out!'

'We just figured that with the kids travelling so much for soccer, it made more sense to sell our house and get an RV.'

'As your doctor, I'd strongly advise that you not laugh at your wife when you beat her at tennis!'

'I have her registered in a pre-med nursery program.'

'How did our summer vacation turn intoa summer job??'

Baby Footballer

Mrs. Tree? A hockey ball hit your daughter. It's likely just a bad bruise. Whew! Though there could be a fracture, nerve damage or fatal blood clots. What? Don't worry. Our medical advisor is evaluating Twig right now. Can you sign this liability waiver? Her hand seems fine. Team lawyer.

The relay race

'When I want to watch a realistic comedy about a working mom, I'll look in the mirror.'

Be A Doctor

"Amazing how having a six month old baby can motivate you to stay at the office for 16 hours a day!"

"They've been playing Big Brother again"

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"Our training on managing a work life balance is running late so you'll need to get someone to pick your kids up."

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"When I said, 'Give him a chance-best two out of three,' I was talking to the dog."

"Tough time getting out of the house this morning?"

"Do I read better than Mommy?"

"Dr. Behan?! Congratulations! It's a Boy!!!"

'Alert the troops I'm going back to work.'