Community Humorist Gifts

'He's a blight on the whole neighbourhood.'

'Gossip now updated every five minutes.'

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

Football Chameleon

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

Cash Machines From Across the Land

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"Okay, you scared the babysitter...now get back in there and rinse off that toothpaste, and go to bed!"

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

'I have a limited vocabulary because I'm a child, what's your excuse?'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

'Another balloon animal? And who do you think ends up taking care of these?'

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

'I think that our next door neighbor might have lived here.'

"No thanks, mom. I don't think I'll have any broccoli short cake."

"I can skip my bath. On the way home I jumped in all the puddles."

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"Tell Mr. Yeltsin I'd be delighted. Minister of what?"

'Mummy, why did you teach me to walk?'

'Is that IT? All this way for just the ONE?'

'Honey, I'm Rome!'