Communications Professional Gifts

I got my degree in like, you know, communications.

"I thought that modern communications systems were meant to be more efficient...That they would cut down on waste and duplication."

The Eternal Question

'Guess who came out of retirement to help out in the Communications Department?'

'I wish I had eight carefully selected musical discs with me right now.'

'Fax toilet paper.'

May I Speak?

"Crap, I hit reply all."

"Have your people call my people."

'And here to tell us good times are here again, even though we're not so sure, is a spin doctor.'

"Okay, we've text, tweeted and emailed the old man. Does anyone know Morse code?"

Internet Name Tags.

"Organizing a war-party is much faster since Sitting Bull got into conference calls."

It's a combination word processor and food processor, in case you have to eat your words.

Office of Donald J. Trump. Deceptionist

"Thanks for your offer, but in our company we still have a perfect information and communication system. It's called water cooler talk."

'Please end it 'very truly yours' with a winking emoticon...that always keeps 'em guessing.'

"Twitter is back! Hurry, hurry, get yer free speech here!"

If the world is getting smaller, how come the postal rates keep going up?

For the record, my young speech writers don't consider borrowing phrases as plagiarism. They consider it sampling.

'And we've heard there's been a dramatic development in the visual gimmickry we're using for the next story.'

Rich McCormick Caricature

'Eh, what do you mean, you've paged me?'

"How did you get so good at writing these fake ads?"

Your Leaders Putting Words Into More Words

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

Trial by Media

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

"Damn - another letter to the editor."

"Nope, I still only have one bar."

If nobody had invented graphics