Communication Tactics Guru Gifts

"Wow, I never realized your unhappiness was so nuanced."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"National security adviser"

Create some buzz!

'Fred, I want you to sanitize this, punch it up, dumb it down, leak it to the media and then be fully prepared to deny it!'

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

Benedict & Associates: Communication Strategies, Lobbying. . .

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

'You're good with people. Just tell him to go fuck himself.'

'Can't we handle this through more impersonal channels like text messaging?'

"Enough about the forest, why don't you show us more trees?"

"In response to your request for better communications, I'm going to increase my lengthy explanation by 50%."

'To make sure I get noticed I always talk in a big bold typeface.'

"Liife! Give my conversation Liife!"

"To be clear you are willing to labor under misconceptions?"

'That's the new guy. He writes our 'shuck-and-jive' press releases.'

"Oh, and add a couple of intentional typos to my weekly email update...I want to appear warm and authentic!!"

Telephone line ends up buried in the ground with a headstone.

'My market doesn't understand me.'

These young people need everything spelled out to them! I miss the old days, when a wink was a wink, and a nod was a nod.

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

There's a real disconnect going on here.

"I can't believe you made it past our bitch receptionist."

'There you go again - trying to solve my problems. I am not asking you to do that. I just want you to listen to me.'

Keys to Success: Focus, Alertness, Concentration...

'In our press release, stress that our strategic focus will be on solving society's problems. This is code for making a bundle of money.'

Have our P.R. people do a report on the beneficial effects of cyanide on river life.

Public Relations 101: Today's Lecture: 'Weapons of mass deception.'

"I think it’s time we started resenting other people."

"Tell us again — a little less graphic."