Commodities Investor Gifts

Pork bellies 3 times a day...cookbook for the commodities investor.

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

"Okay, money doesn't make you happy. So how about commodity futures?"

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

Aggressive growth fund loses money shorting gold.

"We've decided to diversify our funds on some candy!"

'I took my money out of the bank and put it into municipal bonds...'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'Well, Eddy may look a bit rough, but he's good at heart - last week, he bought stocks from a company which produces cuddly puppy toys in pink ballet dresses!'

'How would you like to trade in our pork bellies pit?'

Stockmarket investor's trays 'Up' and 'Down'.

S**t Creek Halt

'Bit of an over reaction to a world-wide shortage of bismuth, don't you think?'

'I handle commodities and Dietrich here specialises in stocks and bonds.'

'The sedative wears off in an hour. With the attached transmitter we can monitor his trading volume and patterns, commissions and mating rituals.'

Traders on floor of commodities exchange see kidneys trade on the quote board.

'He runs a very successful hedge fund.'

'Pork bellies are up...'

'I'm pretty sure this means the price has finally hit bottom.'

'You were in commodities - cattle, stuff like that - so you must feel right at home here.'

"Grandpa, if I ever decide to get involved in farming, it will be strictly as a commodities broker."

"The crab Florentine is excellent, but the rack of lamb has limited downside risk.''

Coronavirus and the Stock Market

Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, Russia and Qatar agree to freeze oil production

"I told them I was sick of working all hours...and that I intended to stick to my hours and get home to give my son a bath and bedtime book....unfortunately he'd turned into a 26 year old commodities broker while I was in meetings!"

Ace Toys Ltd

Behind closed doors at the extremely complicated job of determining gas prices.

"No one knows what he does, but it's rumored that he's the guy who sets global oil prices."

Betting on $80 oil price.

'Been toying with commodities again, have we?'

'I'm usually cautious as heck, but last Tuesday I got this hot tip on peanut futures in south Georgia...'

'And I'm pleased to report that your gold futures are panning out.'

The gold price chart.

'Once upon a time, a handsome actuarial accountant caught the eye of a beautiful commodities broker...'