Commodities Investor Gifts

Pork bellies 3 times a day...cookbook for the commodities investor.

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

"Okay, money doesn't make you happy. So how about commodity futures?"

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

Aggressive growth fund loses money shorting gold.

"We've decided to diversify our funds on some candy!"

'I took my money out of the bank and put it into municipal bonds...'

'Well, Eddy may look a bit rough, but he's good at heart - last week, he bought stocks from a company which produces cuddly puppy toys in pink ballet dresses!'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'How would you like to trade in our pork bellies pit?'

S**t Creek Halt

'Bit of an over reaction to a world-wide shortage of bismuth, don't you think?'

Stockmarket investor's trays 'Up' and 'Down'.

'I handle commodities and Dietrich here specialises in stocks and bonds.'

'The sedative wears off in an hour. With the attached transmitter we can monitor his trading volume and patterns, commissions and mating rituals.'

Traders on floor of commodities exchange see kidneys trade on the quote board.

'He runs a very successful hedge fund.'

'I'm pretty sure this means the price has finally hit bottom.'

'Pork bellies are up...'

'You were in commodities - cattle, stuff like that - so you must feel right at home here.'

"The crab Florentine is excellent, but the rack of lamb has limited downside risk.''

"Grandpa, if I ever decide to get involved in farming, it will be strictly as a commodities broker."

Coronavirus and the Stock Market

"I told them I was sick of working all hours...and that I intended to stick to my hours and get home to give my son a bath and bedtime book....unfortunately he'd turned into a 26 year old commodities broker while I was in meetings!"

Commodities Exchange. Around here, unloading 50 tons of pork bellies is not a physically demanding task.

Ace Toys Ltd

Back to School '95

Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, Russia and Qatar agree to freeze oil production

Behind closed doors at the extremely complicated job of determining gas prices.

"No one knows what he does, but it's rumored that he's the guy who sets global oil prices."

Betting on $80 oil price.

'Been toying with commodities again, have we?'

'And I'm pleased to report that your gold futures are panning out.'

The gold price chart.

"You really should look at ways to decrease reliance on oil & gas due to its inherent volatility."