Commerce Comedians Gifts

"We have a fund with a new, advanced financial strategy but it hasn't been tested on humans.''

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

"Motivational seminars are too expensive. Just buy stronger coffee."

"You're good at asking all the right questions. Now let's hear some right answers."

'I recognize the face ... I just can't pin down the name.'

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

'Here's the CEO - Chief Egotistical Official!'

"Right here is your baby’s infrastructure, and in a month or so we’ll be able to see the analytics."

Business cartoon showing sales declining so much that they bounce off the floor.

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

"It's going to be huge! Cheese-flavored vodka!"

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

"I absolutely guarantee your workloads will not increase."

"Before we made the leap to cyberspace, our stockholders made us promise we'd maintain a traditional street presence, too!"

'What is the meaning of poorly attended staff meetings.'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"Didn't you get the memo? The boss said he was bringing in some experts to help with the company's rebranding."

"We're looking for someone who'll be available twenty four-seven."

Reception - I believe you wanted to see the man in charge.

'I want my ideas called 'concepts' not 'notions'.'

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

'Let's play business. I'll be the chairman of the board and you'll work for me and laugh whenever I tell a joke.'

"We could hire some sign-wavers to stand by the side of the road and advertise our product."

'I think it's really tacky to make the salesperson of the month someone from another firm.'

'Don't forget our 'Bargain basement', sir.'

Communicating with clients without using buzzwords posed a challenge for the consultants.

"Your personality test shows you are selfish, mean, and lazy. We'd like to offer you a position in management."

'The plan was idiot-proof. Unfortunately, someone came up with a superior idiot.'

'Your request for a motorcycle as your company car was rejected. However, I'm not totally unreasonable. Enjoy!'

'Tell me more about the obscene bonus package.'

"Intern? Oh, no. He wandered in from our day care center."

'I preferred my old title of Executive Vice-President.'