Comic Relief For Couples Pillows

Woman in Bed Holds Sign Saying 'No.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

"Aren't we going a little overboard with Friday's casual dress code!?"

Girl who can't cook meets guy who can't fix stuff.

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

"Saving Lois Lane a dozen times doesn't mean you can claim her as a dependent on your taxes."

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

"What kind of sinker are you using?!"

Dog Birthdays

'That never gets old.'

Break Glass in Case of Stress

Tourist in the desert

'I can't say I like your cavalier attitude Benson.'

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

'Why are jogging on the spot?'

"The secret of our relationship? Easy. She just acts as if I don't even exist."

Bureau of Missing Door Knobs

'Let's face it...We have irreconcilable differences!'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'I must be getting good, because my Dad told me to go play for the neighbours!'

"You've got pussyfooting from 10 to 11, shilly-shallying until 12, then hemming and hawing the rest of the afternoon."

'Nothing to worry about, Mr. Jenkins, some people do have a mild reaction to the flu shot!'

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"Having captions above makes me feel like I'm doing grand opera."

One more ring andBbob would set off the Solicitor Glove.

'I went online to check out my ancestry and I found that my dad, 10,000 times removed, was an amoeba!'

'I don't want bread crumbs. I'd prefer some money to buy a cheeseburger.'

Waaahhh. Please, Milo. Stop crying. Look, Milo. I'm making a funny face. Waah. I'm waving my arms in the air! Waah. I'm pouring burning coffee on my head. Waaah. Waaaaaaaahhh. Look at this dog. Isn't it disgusting and hairy wairy? Humiliating on every level. Giggle.

Welcome to California. You may begin your Schwarzenegger imitation now