Comfort In Humor Pillows

"You've got to learn to love yourself. Start by 'Friending' yourself on Facebook."

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

Hang on...I've got WINGS..!!!

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

Apricots

All this pressure to be the perfect storm...

Fat Kid 14- Gets re-animated

'Before we staqrt biting do you practice catch and release?'

"No, I said to swab the deck!"

'You can hit out of the trap or take a 2 stroke penalty.'

Mister Oedipus.

"Hey, Zorro! You forgot your mask."

"First of all, kudos on landing a corner office."

"Sure, I may be over the top, but at least I'm not underhanded like him!"

'I sort of drifted into this...I always wanted to do children's gymkhanas.'

'...and don't think I didn't see that flying tackle.'

"We never talk about anything. 'Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me Tarzan, you Jane.' That's all he ever says."

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'What colour is a hiccup?'

All You Can Eat Buffet: "Remember, my safe word is 'Diabetes.'"

"In school I got punished for copying, yet now it's all I'm asked to do."

"I feel like I can't trust myself around food."

'I perched on Blackbeard's shoulder for three years, then went to work for Long-John Silver...'

"Of course I'm self-absorbed. I'm a sponge!"

"Would you mind if my new friend Ted joins us?

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

"Yes, I know darling, getting a sore throat is bad: it really hurts to swallow..."

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

"Hello, Dr. Moreno? I wanted to tell you how nice it was to visit you today, but I'm not sure I needed all the pill samples...especially since I'm not sick."

'Next!'

'Excluding our little granddaughter who called me 'orrible old smellypops!'

Watch out for number one.

'Well, this is a first- you seem to be allergic to distilled water.'

'To get ahead in business, you can't lose your head. Pun intended.'

"The parrot you sold me will only through his lawyer!"