Comedy Discomfort Pillows

'Hey, you there with the disgusting cold! Blow that schnoz of yours outside would ya?!'

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

"I've been having stomach problems. I sit on the bathroom for 30 minutes in the morning...and a half-hour in the evening."

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"Okay, ha ha, now seriously...Where's the rest of the nuts?"

The company's going bankrupt,you'll need to get someone in to bite my nails for me!

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"Are we sexually compatible? Well, we both get headaches at the same time..."

'I don't like to complain, Evelyn, but aren't these family reunions getting out of hand?'

Minnesota Weather.

"Your tests look normal, but that's what the disease wants us to think."

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

'He'll need some blood thinner immediately, but go grab me a sandwich first.'

"I invited a few friends over. Don’t worry – you can still be miserable."

'Has the news finished yet?'

Safe harbour

"To think our very existence hinges on your bloody headache!"

Arm puncture...

But the brochures says breakfast in bed! Yes, only if you carry your bed down to the dining room!

'So there's a fly in your beer — why begrudge a fellow creature a little happiness?'

'Stop telling people you're going to Heaven. The doctor said, 'Rupture.' You have a hernia!'

Pre-minstrel Tension.

Complain to a bear

"One last request: move my car to the 11:30 A.M. to 1 P.M. Monday -Thursday side of the street for tomorrow."

'I'm going to prescribe a sedative for those worry warts.'

"So are the results not very good?"

"I've no idea where they are - maybe they're all ill."

'A student nurse drew my blood and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.'

100 Fat. Now with 50 less fat.

"I dragged a man out of a burning building. Un"fortunately, it was a fireman...

Health Insurance Awards Hangover.

'The four scariest words in the English language.'