Comfort Eating Humorist Pillows

"I feel like I can't trust myself around food."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Honest Vending

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'The customer is always right...'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"I've had enough sweets for one day."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

Weight Gain Denial

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'The chef's hat was delicious! But the hair...'