Comedy Sketch Lover Gifts

'I hope he/she isn't looking inside my nostrils.'

Cricket ball deliveries

"Collateral?... Oh, trust me. When you see the collateral I've brought with me, you'll be running to your safe."

'How about a nice saloon?'

Comedy School: 'Please knocky nicky nooo!'

'I wish you'd make up your mind - first, you ask me to collect the customers' glasses then...'

'I'd like a late afternoon appointment please. To give his hands a chance to warm up.'

Ellen and Bob were flat broke, but this time Ellen decided not to sell her body...she'd sell Bob's."

"I can't mow the lawn today. A bug just flew up my nose."

"The big one dropped his weapon, but keep an eye on the little one. I think he's still armed."

"That'll be Calvin - he's a wrapper."

"This does not end well for you."

Weights & Measures Office Desk Trays - Big & Small

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"As I was only saying the other day..."

"This town ain't big enough for the proposed outlet shopping mall at Millet Creek Pass."

'If I told you what I wished for, you'd probably slap me.'

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

America's Funniest Interest Rate Hikes

'Let's go to a bar and do something funny.'

'You brought my slippers?... What kind of rescue dog are you?!'

"At lease we managed to stop the leak before the water reached 'E' Deck."

"Okay so which one stole your cereal?"

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

National Liberty and Tax Codes.

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

'I'm looking for an assistant who can keep me in mind of how well I'm doing.'

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

Chris O'Dowd

'Well, so much for our legendary ability to eviscerate cattle with surgical precision...'

"Actually it's quite nice. It's just that I don't think I'm your dad."

'Never forget, Sweetheart, it's my low comedy that keeps you in high fashion!'

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).