Comedy Sketch Lover Gifts

'I hope he/she isn't looking inside my nostrils.'

Cricket ball deliveries

A far-right religious group boycotts the cafe … Lemme ask you a question. Do you support murder, fire, high taxes, cancerous fungus, godless Communist cross-dressing avian-bir-flu-carrying freaks? No, I suppose not. This cafe does! I boycott thee, cafe.

"Collateral?... Oh, trust me. When you see the collateral I've brought with me, you'll be running to your safe."

'How about a nice saloon?'

Comedy School: 'Please knocky nicky nooo!'

'Who the heck is Tom Selleck?'

'I wish you'd make up your mind - first, you ask me to collect the customers' glasses then...'

'I'd like a late afternoon appointment please. To give his hands a chance to warm up.'

Ellen and Bob were flat broke, but this time Ellen decided not to sell her body...she'd sell Bob's."

"I can't mow the lawn today. A bug just flew up my nose."

"As it's personal, not business, the lads have got you a Get Well Soon card."

"The big one dropped his weapon, but keep an eye on the little one. I think he's still armed."

"That'll be Calvin - he's a wrapper."

"This does not end well for you."

Weights & Measures Office Desk Trays - Big & Small

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"As I was only saying the other day..."

"This town ain't big enough for the proposed outlet shopping mall at Millet Creek Pass."

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

'If I told you what I wished for, you'd probably slap me.'

America's Funniest Interest Rate Hikes

'Let's go to a bar and do something funny.'

'You brought my slippers?... What kind of rescue dog are you?!'

"Okay so which one stole your cereal?"

"At lease we managed to stop the leak before the water reached 'E' Deck."

"Here's a request from someone who'd like to hear something in tune for a change. Oh, we have a comedian out there, I see."

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

Chris O'Dowd

'Well, so much for our legendary ability to eviscerate cattle with surgical precision...'

'I'm looking for an assistant who can keep me in mind of how well I'm doing.'

'Never forget, Sweetheart, it's my low comedy that keeps you in high fashion!'

'Don't you think you've had enough?'