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"Five minutes, everybody!"

Tut and Carmen.

'Look -- I'm willing to forget about all this if you are.'

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."

'You have an enlarged funny bone.'

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

'Would you say your glass is half empty or half full?' 'Whose round is it?'

TV and cleaner

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

"Well the good news is that everything was supposed to be bad for you is actually good, but the bad news is that everything that you thought was good for you is actually bad."

"Take us to Lady Gaga."

"The origin of the first joke... Waiter, there's a fly in my primordial soup."

Corporate Head to others at meeting: 'Today is financial Arbor Day. We're going to find some worthwhile charity and plant a money tree.'

A visit to the marionette theatre in Milan.

'You ordered the stuffed sea bass, didn't you?'

'Is he expecting you?'

Ghost of Christmas Future

"That's very deep house."

"Next on animals after dark...Squirrels Gone Wild!"

Investing in a funny market

"I think my harem is seeing someone else."

'I take it you're new to painting miniatures?'

'When we return, our handyman will begin installing a new layer of imported dirt. Stay tuned for the next episode of ... Flip This Hole.'

"Oh, it's the comedian I like that's still scared to talk about her vagina."

'I'm not sure our insurance will pay off - I just ran over Ed McMahon!'

"We're all out of trolleys so you're going to hell in a handbasket."

"I feel I have perspective but mostly because I'm tall."

"He's better at begging than I am."

"Economic news? Are you kidding me? I'll give you some economic news. I'm driving a '92 Kia with no muffler, supporting my boyfriend until his standup career takes off, and paying for 2 implants. Do you know the sign for 'desperate'?"

Stoplight

'It's 'Wolverines Without Borders'. . . They want you to perform classic Fusco material in development countries where people don't have access to the comics.'

"Sorry kiddo, I might be a "Magical Creature", but I don't know any magic trick..."

"I'll have the good cocktail." "I'll have the bad cocktail."