Comedy Listeners Gifts

"Are there people who don't live in London?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Adult Courses. It's so hard keeping the information from different classes separate! I'm talking film history and psychology. I failed a test because I said a "psychopath" is the walkway Norman Bates took home. I also confused geography and aeronautics. I said the "great plains" are located at an Air Force testing base in the California desert. My worst nightmare was confusing the thinks ti learned in driver's education and statistics. But at least I now know it's driving where you must st

"Bond James, Bond."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

"I'm grounded. I forgot to delete the car's computer history after we did those crop circles on Earth."

Showbiz Awards

6 Quarantine-Friendly Fashions

"His first out-of-body experience."

'So let me see if I've got it straight. It was a very large squirrel and your husband is a nut.'

Children's Parties

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

Director/Action Man toy.

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"Maybe the next one will be a singles cruise."

"My emotional support dog ate my comfort food."

Life is for the birds.

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

The first car accident.

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'I love your playing....especially when you stop!'

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

I must say a winter wedding certainly saves on confetti!'

Dog Walking Services

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream