Comedy In Love Gifts

'Marry me, and make me the happiest man in the world.' 'You want BOTH?!'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

Stand-up Romcom

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

Tongue in the ear...

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

Now all meals contain 'Enzymate' for fast digestion.'

So … how did you two meet?

'I just want to be sure to get this right. You met again your imaginary childhood friend and then happened WHAT?'

'Oh that's weird! i just had a shiver go down my wallet. My wife must have just bought something.'

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

'If you're going to marry this geek, I suggest you get the extended warranty.'

"He was a rescue."

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

"You might want to get that fly off your face."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

Dan and Irene's 'communication problems' improve, thanks to Richard, their couples therapist.

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

Sadie, the way you objectify football players is unconscionable. It's what? All you talk about are their muscles, square jaws, animal intensity. Ooh. What? I live it when you get all puffed up and macho and tough. And what biceps. Much better. Well played. Girl does what she's got to.

"What makes you think I doubt your abilities?"

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

"No, Phil, I'm not grateful that we finally have some time alone."