Comedy Cutter Pillows

'All finished. Just the way you like it.'

"If you ask me, wearing these things only makes them nervous."

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

'I burned my fingers by touching the hot breakfast eggs, but next time, I'll peel them before I put them into boiling water!'

Shopper in grocery store sees TV dinners marked daytime and prime time.

Bake off: Flan B

'I, pink, therefore, I ham...'

Brown only photocopier sales.

'And we're just a stone's throw from the beach.'

"Harvey's staying with shoulders."

Recipes.

"Why do they always do that with the concrete? The feet are the best part."

The Spoonish Inquisition

'It's a routine operation.'

Carpet cleaning

Mutant Moontunes - Fringeless Nigel

Dueling Glue Guns: Glue unto Others as you would have them glue unto you.

"You sure you've done this before."

'I haven't seen such irritation since I forced my husband to watch the Suze Orman marathon.'

'Harp?...Lark?...'

"I'm sorry, but I made a big mistake by running off with you. I'm really in love with the fork."

"I liked the couch better where it was."

"But they taste so rubbery!"

Scruffy man on desert island has written in the sand 'Help!! Need make grooming products.'

Accountant Reading 'The Joy of Cooking.'

"The recipe said to stand in hot water for ten minutes."

"Shuffle Mode"

Where did you get this?...Widescreen. Squirrels gone wild. DVD. (Originally published on 2009-02-08).

Through sheer willpower, Ben achieved his dream of becoming a butter knife.

'When the doctor told you to take the tablets after a bath...I don't think he meant you to drink the bathwater, Burt!'

Cloning Misadventure - Spotted Tree Buffalo.

Adam's apples.

User Made Fatal Error

I finally figured out who you copy. What do you mean "who I copy"? You know, the guy whose mannerisms, style and speech inspire you so much you copy them What are you saying? We all do that. Right? I mean, the best way to find who you are is to find who you want to be and copy that. ... Right? You're a child, not a man. See what I mean? Spoken just like Captain Kirk. Is this why you have a picture of Don Knotts in your wallet?