Comedy Cutter Pillows

'All finished. Just the way you like it.'

"If you ask me, wearing these things only makes them nervous."

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

'I burned my fingers by touching the hot breakfast eggs, but next time, I'll peel them before I put them into boiling water!'

Shopper in grocery store sees TV dinners marked daytime and prime time.

Bake off: Flan B

Brown only photocopier sales.

Recipes.

'And we're just a stone's throw from the beach.'

"Harvey's staying with shoulders."

The Spoonish Inquisition

"Why do they always do that with the concrete? The feet are the best part."

'It's a routine operation.'

Carpet cleaning

"You sure you've done this before."

Dueling Glue Guns: Glue unto Others as you would have them glue unto you.

Mutant Moontunes - Fringeless Nigel

"I liked the couch better where it was."

"I'm sorry, but I made a big mistake by running off with you. I'm really in love with the fork."

'I haven't seen such irritation since I forced my husband to watch the Suze Orman marathon.'

'Harp?...Lark?...'

"But they taste so rubbery!"

Scruffy man on desert island has written in the sand 'Help!! Need make grooming products.'

Accountant Reading 'The Joy of Cooking.'

"The recipe said to stand in hot water for ten minutes."

"Shuffle Mode"

Through sheer willpower, Ben achieved his dream of becoming a butter knife.

'When the doctor told you to take the tablets after a bath...I don't think he meant you to drink the bathwater, Burt!'

Cloning Misadventure - Spotted Tree Buffalo.

Adam's apples.

User Made Fatal Error

Creepy Crawly Insect Phobia.