Comedy Cropper Pillows

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

Adult Courses. It's so hard keeping the information from different classes separate! I'm talking film history and psychology. I failed a test because I said a "psychopath" is the walkway Norman Bates took home. I also confused geography and aeronautics. I said the "great plains" are located at an Air Force testing base in the California desert. My worst nightmare was confusing the thinks ti learned in driver's education and statistics. But at least I now know it's driving where you must st

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"Bond James, Bond."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Showbiz Awards

"I'm grounded. I forgot to delete the car's computer history after we did those crop circles on Earth."

6 Quarantine-Friendly Fashions

'So let me see if I've got it straight. It was a very large squirrel and your husband is a nut.'

"His first out-of-body experience."

Director/Action Man toy.

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"My emotional support dog ate my comfort food."

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

The first car accident.

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'I love your playing....especially when you stop!'

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

"Renk just discovered beard oil."

Dog Walking Services

"No, I like the plan. Just saying, have you ever done any actual tunnelling?"

I must say a winter wedding certainly saves on confetti!'

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream