Comedy Channel Devotees Gifts

"Wow, this comedy channel really is hi-def."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

Horror movies

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

'He's the one who needs obedience training!'

1847 - Bram Stoker, creator of Dracula was born in Dublin.

"That'll be five bucks."

'A religious zealot denounces a toaster for working on the Sabbath'

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

The First Fire Stick

"It's true: no more burpees."

'No. The television screen hasn't gone red - You've got tomato ketchup all over your glasses!'

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

God not-too-happy with the Humans sticking a 'Closing DOWN Sale!' sign on planet Earth

'Well, you got the dog to protect you against criminals. Perhaps now you'll have to hire a criminal to protect you from the dog.'

Stairlift around cliff face.

"Cat World Domination Day June 24th"

'I said you're next, Hibblemeyer. . . Hibblemeyer!'

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

Divine Desk Bins

"Bill did the voice-over for this commercial."

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

Humans Queue To Use Portable Toilet While Dogs Queue To Use Tree Portable Toilet

"He looks just like your husband."

"Friends have been scribbling on my cast."

Standard & Poor

Generic Store: Sign in Window

Our Founder picture of a caveman: 'We're a very, very old firm.'

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

Technique #54 airlines are adopting for handling excessive carry on luggage.

'What? You used a Welshman? The recipe specifically calls for a scot!'

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

"I think it was good for me. Was it good for you?"