Comedy Barrister Gifts

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

'So Captain Ahab, I put it to you that you were deliberately stalking my client!'

'I got an alleged C on my criminal law test.'

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

"Just for the heck of it, how do you plead?"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

"Not guilty but prepared to settle out of court, your honour."

"Bailiff."

Junior barrister prompting a deaf and testy chief

"You can't plead cute."

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

"#notguilty."

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"Gimme a 'D'! Gimme an 'N'! Gimme an 'A'!"

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"Never mind what I did, Your Honor. I want to be judged for who I am, as an individual."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

'I'd like to go back to law school and pay attention this time.'

"Why won't you cuddle?"

"I must protest, M'Lud. Prosecurity counsel is blantantly attempting to wheedle the truth from the accused."