Comedy Barrister Gifts

"I'd like to represent myself. . . though what as, I haven't yet decided."

'Whe they said 'God is my Judge', I didn't realize He was a real attorney.'

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

'So Captain Ahab, I put it to you that you were deliberately stalking my client!'

'I got an alleged C on my criminal law test.'

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"Just for the heck of it, how do you plead?"

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

My Brother Al once went through a period of depression, your honor. He would just sit around in his robe all day. Then his psychiatrist got him out of his funk. Would you like to have his doctor's phone number? ? ?

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

"Oh dear, it's just as we suspected.. they do come from another planet."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

Junior barrister prompting a deaf and testy chief

"Not guilty but prepared to settle out of court, your honour."

"Bailiff."

Law School teacher.

"You can't plead cute."

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"Gimme a 'D'! Gimme an 'N'! Gimme an 'A'!"

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"#notguilty."

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"Never mind what I did, Your Honor. I want to be judged for who I am, as an individual."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

'I'd like to go back to law school and pay attention this time.'

"Why won't you cuddle?"