Comedically Nervous Gifts

Huddling Lampposts

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

'Just look at him- a fool and his money are soon partying!'

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

"What fly?"

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

"Enough medical mumbo jumbo, just give it to me straight, Doc-will I ever be able to play piano again?"

'Tell me a little bit about yourself.'

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

Clown Firing Squad.

Husband electronic tagging control centre - Screen reads 'Pub'

"He hates his six-monthly visits."

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

"Of course, I would suggest a shot of novacaine."

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

"My dad really went ballistic! I'm not grounded...I'm under house arrest!"

'No appointments are available for the next three months, but you can always call in to the doctor's talk show.'

"I know you're just trying to be helpful, but why don't you let me decide where my acupunture needles should go?"

'It's to protect me from the splattering. Now open wide.'

"Hello?- Anyone here?"

Pinocchio on a date: "Before this goes any further, you should know that I've got fungal rot."

'Aaaaaah! Kenny's fallen in! Don't make eye contact! Play dead, Kenny! Play dead!'