Comedically Nervous Gifts

Huddling Lampposts

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

'Just look at him- a fool and his money are soon partying!'

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

"What fly?"

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"It's time to end the suffering."

'I'm beginning to see some change in you.'

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

"Enough medical mumbo jumbo, just give it to me straight, Doc-will I ever be able to play piano again?"

'Tell me a little bit about yourself.'

Clown Firing Squad.

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

'Let's just say, if you were meat, you'd be way past your 'best before' date!'

Husband electronic tagging control centre - Screen reads 'Pub'

"He hates his six-monthly visits."

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

Mortified that her hospital gown did not close all the way in the back...

"Of course, I would suggest a shot of novacaine."

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

"My dad really went ballistic! I'm not grounded...I'm under house arrest!"

'Aaaaaah! Kenny's fallen in! Don't make eye contact! Play dead, Kenny! Play dead!'

'Achoo! I can't believe I'm allergic to sand. I bet this doesn't end well...'

'Are you crazy! The nest is made of dry grass and twigs: Smoking is a massive fire harzard!'

"Hello?- Anyone here?"

'It's to protect me from the splattering. Now open wide.'