Comedically Inclined Musician Gifts

'Here's one I didn't write... I never learned... and can't play.'

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"Harold insists on doing all his own stunts."

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

Visual Gag: An about to be married Bride using a real train as a wedding gown train

No Instruments Please

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

"What fly?"

Jumble Sale

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"It's time to end the suffering."

'I'm beginning to see some change in you.'

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

Jeff makes some nice jugs.

'Hey babe, I got two tickets to the gun show, you interested?'

"Alien life-form or not, those dishes won't wash themselves up!"

"You lick, I'll dry."

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

Clown Firing Squad.

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

"I got connections. We'll pull a few strings, get you out of here in no time"

'I want a refund! It refuses to go into my son's room!!'

Rollercoaster police chase.

"Just once, can we not talk about politics."

'One could make the ultimate industrial strength glue by cracking the formula of the goo on night club stages.'

"Why aren't you wearing any pants?"

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

'Still saving money to finish that nose job eh?'