Comedically Chaotic Parent Gifts

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"I need to know who started it."

"I couldn't possibly lick another baby right now."

"She was right -- Her teddy bear did squish your action figure!"

"Where's your nose?"

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

"I fell in the mud again. Maybe I need a stunt double."

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"The children took off their own coats this morning, Pastor."

'Dad won't buy me a puppy, so I'm teaching him to bark!'

'You know that bottle of ink that was standing on the desk...?'

Two children play with a pedal bin

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

"I figure we can blue-screen the kids in later."

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

"Can't you just relax and enjoy my childhood."

They Removed my Brain.

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

'How many kids do you actually have?'

Baby with a full diaper 'Load Rage'

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'