Comedic View On Life T-Shirts

'Keep repeating to yourself: I am a high flyer, I will not dive for the salmon.'

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

Zoo: No Hunting.

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

X-RAY

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

I'm here to update your census form. Since you mailed the form in, have any of your children moved back in with you?

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

Sorry, Rudy, no way can I raise your pay to $15 an hour. Why not? 'Cause that would destroy jobs. What would you do for a job once I moved the caf

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

'I can't understand how those burglars could clean out our house so quietly.'

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

Tree growing

"The first week back is always the hardest"

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

Why is it the universe keeps expanding but there's never any room in my closet?

"Great pet, but we should have given him less energy."

"What if we don't like their country personas?"