Comedic Outlook T-Shirts

'I can't understand how those burglars could clean out our house so quietly.'

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

"My computer just texted me."

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

Genetic Fingerprinting.

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

'Keep repeating to yourself: I am a high flyer, I will not dive for the salmon.'

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

"We'll be single again in Heaven, right?"

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"Hey! This is news."

Glimpses One Dollar

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"Don't think of it as hell. . . just think of it as a normally recurring seasonal weather pattern."

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

'I'm knitting you sweater... do you want it too big or too small?'

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

Tree growing

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.