Comedic Outlook Gifts

'I can't understand how those burglars could clean out our house so quietly.'

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

'This chair ain't big enough for the both of us.'

"My computer just texted me."

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

Genetic Fingerprinting.

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'Keep repeating to yourself: I am a high flyer, I will not dive for the salmon.'

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

"We'll be single again in Heaven, right?"

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

Glimpses One Dollar

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

"Hey! This is news."

"Don't think of it as hell. . . just think of it as a normally recurring seasonal weather pattern."

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

'I'm knitting you sweater... do you want it too big or too small?'

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

Tonight's Lecture: Your share of the national debt. That explains my credit rating.

"What if we don't like their country personas?"

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'