Comedic Relief Seeker Pillows

"You keep him busy while I go for help."

No Worries - Next 1/8 Mile

Attention Deficit Disorder Anonymous.

"If it's any consolation, toward the end he was high as a kite."

'And if my marriage counseling doesn't help, you'll be please to learn I'm also a divorce attorney!'

'You can't just move out and leave me here with your father.'

'You must continue your therapy because it provides stability and security. . . at least it does for me!'

'You're out of shape, Smith. So, from now on, you're no longer allowed to use the elevator. I want you to climb the building to get to your office.'

"I'm afraid there's a shadow on your lung"

"The bad news....we have to remove the leg. The good news...No more unused odd socks!"

To discourage cheating, SAT organizers announced that undercover agents would be present to put down wrong answers.'

'It's your lucky day. I just went vegan.'

Customer sees sign on Bridal Shop window: Closed while I'm getting a divorce.

"Thanks for calling the therapy helpline. For anxiety issues, press 1. For relationship advice, press 2. For anger management, throw the phone across the room..."

"That's it - we've eaten the last of the energy bills."

"I've lost the ability to make eye contact"

Cat doctor to cat patient sitting on exam table 'All I'm saying is liposuction won't help if you don't lay off the tuna smoothies.'

Man with fishing line going into water. Fishing line coming down from sky.

'When does squirrel season open?'

"That's just my husband taking a shower. We have very hard water."

Your ability to work under pressure is evident.

'What's this bank charge of £35?'

'He's decided not to have a mid life crisis-he thinks it could be too expensive.'

'Not the repair manual. Bring me the book of mechanics' curse words.'

"All the ingredients are inactive."

'I hate her when I'm sober and she hates me when I'm drunk.'

'Mr. Williams will see you now.'

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"It's mineral water, sir - of course there are rocks and sand in it."

Breast Height Chart

"And next, I'd like to extend a warm welcome to anyone who's here for their first meeting of Clockwatchers Anonymous."

"Who's got the hammer?"

"Haven't you a small one that would fit into a soldier's pack?"

"Throwing a knife pretty well is a long way from being a surgeon."

"Don't worry, the pain will stop once everything goes numb."