Comedic Office Life Observer Gifts

'Don't ever sneak up on me like that! I could spring into my Taekwondo attack stance and really hurt myself!'

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

"Serendipity is not a strategy."

Terry had a computer bug.

'I'm looking for an assistant who knows my job, can do my job, but has no interest in having my job.'

"On this team we take off our jackets,but we don't loosen our ties."

"Damn it,Frank,if I can't bully my staff, who can I bully?"

"My computer just texted me."

'I have no one to blame but myself, for now.'

"It's not downsizing—it's just that we have 976 employees who have chosen to spend more time with their families."

'I wouldn't worry about the retirement plan. You'd have to be out of your mind to work here that long.'

'My salary increase got a few oo-hs.. but no ah-hs..'

"I've put every one of those vital master copies through here, and it took ages. Where do the copies come out?"

"Remember that requirement that you work without supervision? Forget it."

"We'll be single again in Heaven, right?"

"Miss Antonacci, please have a regular coffee and a cheese Danish remanded to my chambers."

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

"Here we use the email term 'out of the office', not 'away lazing on a Spanish beach, without a care in the world.'"

'I feel a leader should be approachable.'

'Put simply, we need our website to tell consumers all about our company without really telling them anything about our company,'

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

"I've got your letter in front of me now, sir."

"Hey! This is news."

In case of panic, push button.

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"Don't think of it as hell. . . just think of it as a normally recurring seasonal weather pattern."

Glimpses One Dollar

'You cal it loyalty, we call it Stockholm Syndrome!'

'I'm knitting you sweater... do you want it too big or too small?'

"I want to know whose idea it was to let a cat person on the board of directors in the first place!"

"Our generous pensions are unsustainable so I'm firing you."

'One businessman's lunch and one lackey's lunch.'

'The problem is, you say no problem.'

To be downsized, press 1, outsourced press 2.

'The Sacked Executive's Officer Furniture Goes in the Small Van...the Salary Package in the Other.'