Comedic Literature Gifts

"I could've sworn we only brought two fruit-flies!"

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

'HA Ha! One good idea doesn't make a genius!'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Crew Goofs Off While Out Of Sight

'A is for Arse.'

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

Examination.

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'Where do you see yourself in five minutes?'

"And last week I nearly crashed while reading on the freeway..."

"Really Mum? Natural selection gave us short arms to stop us from picking our noses?"

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

The Swiss Arm-y Wife

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

Monkey Business College

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

Pop up begger.

"I knew you'd understand."

"Can you test for broccoli and brussels sprouts too?"

Right now my brother Al is paying a psychiatrist a hundred bucks an hour to hear his troubles, while I'm drinking beer and telling you mine at happy hour prices. Obviously, Al IS the crazy one.

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

Liberals' Wishful Thinking about Joe Biden

Joe's Tavern: Perfect Attendance

'What's a cubic foot?' - 'Whatever it is claim compensation.'

"It's not that I don't want a baby brother - it's just that this is a bad time for me developmentally."

"Excuse me - could you tell me which recession we are in at the moment?"

'It just seem excessive, somehow -- buying a big-screen, high-definition TV to watch Geraldo with.'

"You've reached Randy, the Dating Doctor. What ails you?...."

London Congestion & Polution Zone - 'What's your problem? I thought Boris was in charge now.'