Comedic Writing Gifts

As you can probably tell, I'm easily offended

"And so my boss decided to take me under his wing, where I proceeded to get sucked into a jet engine."

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

Crew Goofs Off While Out Of Sight

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

'Do you Duane, paternity suit notwithstanding, take Diane...'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'Where do you see yourself in five minutes?'

'This 'Hamlet' thing you're working on... Do you think you could write in a part for Lady Godiva?!'

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

"And last week I nearly crashed while reading on the freeway..."

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

Pop up begger.

Monkey Business College

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

"I understand she's marrying him for his condominium in Fort Lauderdale."

London Congestion & Polution Zone - 'What's your problem? I thought Boris was in charge now.'

'It just seem excessive, somehow -- buying a big-screen, high-definition TV to watch Geraldo with.'

"Excuse me - could you tell me which recession we are in at the moment?"

"Al, are you certain that this guy has the authority to marry us?"

Fisherman Funneral

Safety Pin

"Connect the dots"

Two women are hosting a radio show called Ask Sadie.

"But we make a killing on auto repairs...if we encourage people to fix things themselves first."