Comedic Writing Gifts

As you can probably tell, I'm easily offended

"And so my boss decided to take me under his wing, where I proceeded to get sucked into a jet engine."

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

Crew Goofs Off While Out Of Sight

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'Do you Duane, paternity suit notwithstanding, take Diane...'

'Where do you see yourself in five minutes?'

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

'This 'Hamlet' thing you're working on... Do you think you could write in a part for Lady Godiva?!'

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

"And last week I nearly crashed while reading on the freeway..."

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

Pop up begger.

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

Monkey Business College

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

Right now my brother Al is paying a psychiatrist a hundred bucks an hour to hear his troubles, while I'm drinking beer and telling you mine at happy hour prices. Obviously, Al IS the crazy one.

London Congestion & Polution Zone - 'What's your problem? I thought Boris was in charge now.'

Fisherman Funneral

Danae's Prescient Auto-Biography: '...Danae heard about Mark Twain's autobiography being published 100 years after his death and it gave her an idea to take it a step further...'

"I understand she's marrying him for his condominium in Fort Lauderdale."

"Excuse me - could you tell me which recession we are in at the moment?"

"Al, are you certain that this guy has the authority to marry us?"

'It just seem excessive, somehow -- buying a big-screen, high-definition TV to watch Geraldo with.'

"You read the exit sign. The eye chart is behind you."

Safety Pin

Fat Cats and Dogs