Comedic Kids Gifts

'I'm the only kid on the block whose parents deduct a 'management fee' from his allowance.'

'Fetch.'

Visual Gag: An about to be married Bride using a real train as a wedding gown train

"What is it? You're not wet or hungry. Mommy's not a mind reader. OK, I am, but I've never been very good at it."

'It's not for homework. It's for traction.'

'You'll be getting $5,000 worth of doggy treats this week. If your owner sees the charge on his credit card, you don't know me.'

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

Pregnant man: 'My water just broke! False alarm. Just spilled my brewski.'

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

Jumble Sale

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

They Removed my Brain.

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

Inside voice!

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

Jeff makes some nice jugs.

'Oh, for heaven's sake. Ethan's having another growth spurt.'

Rollercoaster police chase.

Meals on Heels.

"Why aren't you wearing any pants?"

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

'Dads On Steroids' Dad swung his child through fence accidentally.

"Dad, I need some help - what's 4 x 4?"

Heaven on the Phone to Hell - 'We've got Sky.'

'He has so much stuff, toys and gadgets so now we punish him by sending him to our room.'

'You have to stay after school because you got caught in the hall without a pass? But you're homeschooled!'

No, thank you, I brought my own bag.

'I think you may have over done the pelvic floor exercise!'

Model's aspirations

"When dealing with Americans, refer to the heat in Celsius. They hate that."