Comedic Culinary Investigator Gifts

"Man, I just HATE these police grillings!"

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

Try to guess the continent dining...

"He was WOK-ing in a winter wonderland."

"Number 2. Step forward please."

Mother to son, regarding stolen cake: 'I don't need to check anything with 'the boys in forensics' I know it was you.'

'Do you call this spaghetti'

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

'Do you want toast with that?'

Ordering Food At A French Restaurant.

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

'Where do you want to go for breakfast, fancy an Australian or do you want to nip over to Hawaii?'

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

"What the heck did I do with that leftover turkey?!"

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

'What?! Not even one of you wants to see how they're made?'

Turkey Autopsy

Aiiiii! Fat! Cholesterol! Food!

'Which are the most popular and least popular items, and which have been on the menu the longest and shortest times?'

'Ooh girl, he may look like a potato, but he moves like a yam!'

'Guys, I think this is one of those 'let it go' moments in life when you have to relax and just trust the processor!'

"Are there any reports of illness at this table?"

'There's something wrong with the slow cooker. I check it every minute but nothing's cooking!'

"'Tofu'? Qu'est-ce que c'est 'tofu'?"

'I'm sorry, I can't reveal my sauce.'

"Whoever did this was chillingly methodical about it."

The History of Anti-stick

"Dumb ass, huh! Well there's more than one way to grill a thick sausage."

'Don't give up Albert - one of these cans has to have tuna in it!'

"Well, if you haven't seen him, do you know a good recipe for puff pastry?"

Beard helper

Dessert Storm Veteran

'Add three eggs, a pinch of salt, two ounces of olive oil and the phone number of a local pizza in delivery in case this recipe doesn't work out.'

"I still call it a custard tart but to be honest, it's a dairy free, soy fructose mix, with no nuts."