Comedian In Denial Gifts

"The president wants me to stay on as unemployed."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Another day at work would be one too many...

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

Rap music

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Hang on, isn't this the second pair of zebras we've had today?"

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

Toy plane with pilot eject.

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

A private jet takes off

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

'The results of your physical exam are fine, except for your reflexes: They're more 'dog-like' than 'cat-like'.'

Rodin's Thinker.

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

Exit Next Left

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

Clubbing

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

Midwest Winter Items.

'What did I SAY to DAVE?' - A person with hangover worrying about the night before.

"What is a drag queen's goal?"

Car leaving highway crashes through 'EXIT HERE' sign.

Ostrich's head buried into a pile of sand containing a woman