Comedian In Denial Pillows

"The president wants me to stay on as unemployed."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Another day at work would be one too many...

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

"Hang on, isn't this the second pair of zebras we've had today?"

Rap music

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

Toy plane with pilot eject.

A private jet takes off

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

'The results of your physical exam are fine, except for your reflexes: They're more 'dog-like' than 'cat-like'.'

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

Exit Next Left

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

Clubbing

"Do we really need the interactive garbage disposer?"

Ostrich's head buried into a pile of sand containing a woman

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

Midwest Winter Items.

Car leaving highway crashes through 'EXIT HERE' sign.

"What is a drag queen's goal?"

Mo's Meet The Predators Safari Tours.