College Planning Enthusiasts Gifts

I wish you'd come to me sooner. I don't know if you're going to have enough time to save for all five million of your children's college funds.

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

Santa does a keg stand.

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

Your granddaughter is studying for SATs. Oh really? Ahem! What did you get on your practice tests? Drool.

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

Yahoo! What's that about? She got into the college of her choice. Which college is it? Not sure. She chose to apply to 37. West Fester High School.

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

It's college orientation time. The brain cell is attending an elite academic university, and the hormones and endorphins are going to party schools. The muscle cell earned an athletic scholarship. And it looks like the DNA molecule has already picked a major. The DNA has life planned out. It's chemically active down there. The individual atoms are excited, but also seem a bit sad. Of course! Going off to college is an emotional time for them. Old bonds are breaking and new ones are bein

"Stop applying! You've been accepted to three universities!"

The farm-raised catfish goes to college

"When I go to college, I'm focusing on a STEM area of study!"

'And finally, if you're going to commit a felony, do it before ol' dad incurs the high cost of tuition.'

'It was your typical student flat: dirty dishes, broken furniture, grubby carpet and cracks in the walls'

Gretchen encounters the mother of all SAT questions.

Boho Bribes

"Gracie, don't worry. I created a college fund for you the day after you were born. I figure by the time you're 18, it'll total $28,000."

'My kid is going to Harvard, and Jim's son to Stanford- which college accepted yoyr kid, Fred? ( pix of clown on desk)

The life of a professor is great- it's either publish or PARIS!'

"Gracie, you do not need a cell phone. Little girls like you don't get important phone calls."

It's soo competitive! I'll never get into college! Don't worry, honey. You have plenty of time to prepare. Thanks, mom. Wow! Look at the tuition hikes and financial aid cuts. Don't worry. You have plenty of time to prepare. True. I deposited $10 just the other week.

"Here's 15 cents. I assume you'll go into debt one day putting me through college, so this will take some of the guilt off my conscience."

'I'm afraid we had to cancel the 'perfect planning' seminar, but the time we got around to booking the hotel was full and the speaker hoped to use died in 1967...'

It's nice to have a positive parents' night topic. College admissions. Hearing about drugs, depression and sexually transmitted diseases gets old. The 3 downer 'Ds'. Tonight we'll discuss your kids' futures in higher education. We'll cover drugs, depression, diseases and crushing debt. Correction. 4 'Ds'.

The kids are going back for another semester.

The seniors are crazed about college. Admissions. I plan to be totally chill. 1000 colleges. You're not worried about the pre-SATs this Saturday? Of course not. West Fester High. I forgot all about them!!!

"I'm just saying B's are okay."

Relax! The college process need not be stressful! Staying calm actually helps your child cope. Parents' night. Top colleges are brutally competitive. Even state universities are rejecting excellent students. I'm relaxed. Me too!

"If you're worried about your retirement account, Ms. Mulvany, just read the crawl."

I'm doomed! What's Twig's problem today? She forgot that the pre-SATs are this weekend. She hasn't practiced. So what? They don't test for life's important skills. Right. Like planning ahead. Whoops! I forgot the cream.

"According to these calculations, you have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the afternoon."

'How will we pay for her college.'

Binge Drinking On Campus.

Institution of $20,000 plus Tuition Per year Learning

'It's refreshing that you performed community service for some reason other than to get into a good college.'