College Guidance Gifts

'Students who major in these subjects have a 7% less chance of moving back in with their parents after graduation.'

"Actually, I'm hoping what I'm going to be when I grow up hasn't been invented yet."

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

'Another football scholarship offer?'

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

Bribes for Jabs

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

"At these tuition prices an acceptance letter is pretty much a denial."

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

Saving for College.

'Well Mimi, what's it going to be...medicine or the cello?'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

Your granddaughter is studying for SATs. Oh really? Ahem! What did you get on your practice tests? Drool.

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

"Class, this is Mr. Elzondo. He's going to talk about going to college."

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

'It's my application to Harvard...'

State U. He procrastinated and is now trying to do all the work for his middle English literature class in a couple of days. "Canterburied," is he?!

'I'm partially passing my Meteorology course.'

It's college orientation time. The brain cell is attending an elite academic university, and the hormones and endorphins are going to party schools. The muscle cell earned an athletic scholarship. And it looks like the DNA molecule has already picked a major. The DNA has life planned out. It's chemically active down there. The individual atoms are excited, but also seem a bit sad. Of course! Going off to college is an emotional time for them. Old bonds are breaking and new ones are bein

"Well, my IQ is 180--and that's in Centigrade, not Fahrenheit."

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

"Stop applying! You've been accepted to three universities!"

"The counselor wasn't much help about getting into college. All he said was to study hard and get good grades."

"Aren't you young to be worrying about college?"

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

"When I go to college, I'm focusing on a STEM area of study!"

"Of course I'm not quitting school, Dad! If anything, I've learned that if you want to succeed, you need passion and leadership and a whatever-it-takes attitude!"

'This isn't a good time. I'm in trouble with the Dean for using my cell phone in class. I'll call you back.'