Cold Call Survivors Pillows

'I'm sorry, but I never buy anything from 'cold callers'.'

"Faked by a snake selling rakes."

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

'Thanks to his brilliant conversation techniques, Bob had the shortest calls.'

Call Center.

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

Man cold-calling on phone from igloo

'You've waited on hold 45 minutes just to speak to my boss? Seriously, sir, get a life!'

'A telemarketing call for you, Sir.'

"It was just a near-death experience, but while you're here, would you help me with this computer?"

"... Or, if you're tired of listening to all of these automated options and would like to cancel your call, press 9."

"I'm sorry – you have the wrong language."

"Heading back to the office after a year of daily zoom meetings."

'Why yes, I would like to buy double glazing...'

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

"Your car warranty is about to expire..."

Sneeze Police

'You've stayed on hold for 20 minutes? Oh, dear! You'd better make an appointment with Dr. Willems to work on your self-esteem.'

Oh, crap! The Jehovah's Witnesses are back.

'Funny how talking to an automated voice system makes YOU sound like the robot.'

Reverend Quinby visits the holdy land

"Have you thought about retirement - with me?"

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."

Evolution of Zoom

"Woopsee! Wrong button. And after you got through all those menus, too! Too bad. Good luck next time! hahaha!"

'I had a great day! I woke up 10 people, interrupted 28 breakfasts, 42 lunches and thoroughly ruined 21 dinners.'

'This call may be monitored for training purposes, and you'll understand why when the tech can't answer your questions.'

Callers of an impatient or grumpy disposition may widh to hang up at this stage.