Coffeehouse Visits Gifts

Bookstore-Cafe: Used Book/Day-Old Croissants

Wifi in Hell

'Which wine goes best with 'the old man and the sea'?'

The prying mantis,

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

You've Had Enough!

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

'You've had enough!'

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"I'd say business was brisk."

"There's no such thing as free wi-fi."

'Careful, this used to be hot.'

"You gave me the wrong drink. I demand a total refund!!" "OK. Where's the drink?" "What do you mean? I drank it. It wasn't till I was done that I realized it was the wrong drink. The right drink leaves a different aftertaste." "You can't finish the drink and then ask for a refund. That's not how it works." "You didn't tell me that before I paid for the wrong drink. So that's on you." "That's not how it works!"

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

The Stages of Coffee Addiction

Dateline - Caf

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

Hipster Coffee

Darlene? Rudy? I heard you might be hanging out here. I thought I'd come by just to say hello and see how you're doing. That's nice. Coffee King. I love you. Hence Coffee King. House of Java.

I know why you're such a greedy, heartless scrooge, Armstrong. It's because deep down, you just want to be loved. But you're afraid of rejection, so you make yourself as unlovable as possible. That's the type of utter nonsense to expect from muscle-bound oaf who hadn't paid his tab in 13 years. I love you too, man. I hope you get audited.

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

"One skinny latte, and is that with almond milk, coconut milk, soya milk..."

'The doctor says I gotta cut back on caffeine. I'd better skip the bottomless cup of coffee today, Phyllis.'

'So how would you like your coffee...Small, Large or Intravenous???'

Beet Poet

Rudy, how come you're not wearing the new uniform? You were serious? You seriously want me to dress like a robot? Of course I do, minion. My nightly perusal of customers' web searches indicates most of them are feeling a bit antisocial lately. They'd probably buy more coffee from a robot than a human. Oh wait ... new web searches coming in. I'm going to need you to dress like a sexy robot. Very bad man.

'Did you ever realize that we're really drinking coffee out of large sippy cups?'

"Crumble an empire on that!"

"I knew you'd like this place."

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the 'grande' size anymore without a prescription.'

It's the Dr. Sadie advice hour. For the next two hours, I'll be taking nothing but Christmas-related calls. House of Java.net Cybercafe. You're on, Vancouver. What's your problem?! I'm an atheist. How come there's no national holiday for that? There is! It's called "Christmas"! The ads and the marketers have sucked everything religious out of it. Nothing in the Bible says "thou shalt shop." Good point.

Overly pierced man in a lot of pain.

"If you can safeguard this punch card for half a decade, you get a free coffee."

Coming soon - the Barrel! 'OH BOY!!'