Coffee Table Collector T-Shirts

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

"This new chair has the smoothest 360 swivel action on the market!"

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

"Got any bathtub gin?"

His cubicle had come to be known as 'Teddy Bear Heaven'.

"If it's got my ass on it, it's befitting of royalty."

Books / Coffee table books

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

'I've had that sign on the desk for 30 years, waiting for the bucks to roll in, but I'm as broke as ever.'

Shall I be mother?

Restaurant menu board: 'Day old - 2 day old - 3 day old'

"How long have you been working from home, Mr. Farley?"

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."

I am coffee and I need more coffee

"Fetch, Ernie, fetch!"

"I wonder what this was for."

Doric, Ionic, Corinthian, and Broken Pillars.

"It's a flip phone. I guess we can document this as an ancient, archaeological discovery."

"I'm not all you can eat? But I brought my special plate!"

"I'm sorry, I can't assist with this request."

"This one seems perfect, but do you have it in red?"

A complimentary biscuit

'How old is this vase?'

The Milbrook Verney chair in literature. The C.K. Frebish endowment for footnotes.

"You said you'd be 'five minutes,’ nine months ago."

"I never expected you to pay through the nose."

'Ignore him, he's just angry because you're eating out of his bowl.'

'Your entire library consists of nothing but tabloids bound in Corinthian leather?'

'...but the good new is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

"Hmm interesting Hallmark..."

Pawnshop: Genuine Fake Watches.