Coffee Spiller's Club Gifts

This has been a test of the extremely annoying noises system.

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

"My favorite way to start the day...coffee, danish, and a data dump."

You've Had Enough!

The prying mantis,

Brew 'N' Brouhaha

"You order the raspberry danish?"

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

Boss, customers are asking why you've doubled prices. I'm just being fair. When the cost of coffee beans go up, everyone thinks I'm justified in raising the price of coffee. But cost increases come in all shapes and sizes. What about my new 80" tv? What about my new car note? What about my manservant I just imported from London? I dream of the day when all costs can be passed on to customers equally. Greed is not a civil right issue!

"I know, I know — it looks silly, but you can’t imagine how warm I am."

Bureaucrat's Brain

'I can't keep a secret, either!'

Clearly, you've been burning the candle at both ends, Mr. Fusco. You have the wick of a man twice your age.

Cafe. He's a caffeine addict. Nobody can match his intake. An espresso machine!

"He's a working dog, but I don't know what he does."

Green Coffee

'A dozen bagels, please. For here.'

"One can often infer things about the environment from the overall health of the bird population."

Latte, numbskull. We offer zero percent financing. No money down and no interest for two weeks. You then make eight monthly payment at 25% interest. How greedy. Well, coincidentally, I'm offering 0% coffee in my mouth ... Uh-oh. 100% dumped on your head. Must finance new shirt.

Being vertically challenged, I never realized my dream of becoming a pro basketball player. But on a trip to work, it was just like I was a hoops star! I spilled some coffee when walking. I dribble whenever my feet are in motion. I took a selfie when I stopped at the ATM - it was a nice bank shot. Then as I neared the office, I came down the lane - and made an impressive display of driving and dunking. I should be getting a big shoe sponsorship contract any day now!

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the 'grande' size anymore without a prescription.'

Try our bottomless cup of coffee!

One cappuccino please, and I wanted to give you this. A note. How formal. Dear small local independent coffee house ... I went to Starbucks this morning. I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me? What if I agree to purge what I ate? The written apology is sufficient.

Are we a bunch of losers? Who are you talking about? Me, Randy, Sadie, even you Uncle Mort – all of us cafe regulars. We've been hanging out at this place for years. I've been working here two decades. Do we have nowhere else to go? More powerful even than inertia: Any momentum killed by an uncompromising nap regimen. Zzzz.

Man spilling coffee and papers, looking like an awkward dance

It's the Dr. Sadie advice hour. For the next two hours, I'll be taking nothing but Christmas-related calls. House of Java.net Cybercafe. You're on, Vancouver. What's your problem?! I'm an atheist. How come there's no national holiday for that? There is! It's called "Christmas"! The ads and the marketers have sucked everything religious out of it. Nothing in the Bible says "thou shalt shop." Good point.

"Give me coffee or give me death."

"Great to be back at the 'office', just a glass of water for me, thanks."

Coffee tables styled as espresso, Americano and tall skinny latte.

What's your guess? "Venetian blondes."

I'd like a small coffee. One big coming up. I said a small! That's what it is. But we call it a big now. The medium is now called grandeur, and the large is the skyscraper. Yeah, and what do you call these inflated prices? Cheaper.

Cocoa. Make it a double. Sure, Myles. Coming up. Here ya go. Double today, everything okay? Oh yeah, sure. What's not okay about realizing 3rd grader means a whole bunch of homework and Sally Anne Peters wanted to talk about feelings? Tell me all this weirdness ends soon. Triple on the house.

"If I use twitter to communicate, does that make me a twit?"

Coffee shop menu flow chart.