Coffee Shop Culture Gifts

Coffee Overload: 'I'll have a low fat soy latte, no sugar, two biscotti...make that a Columbian-Kenyan bean bend...oh make it snappy, I'm in a hurry!'

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

"Finches, don't look now, but there's a creepy guy staring at our beaks."

Like, Latte. So that's a vanilla almond with soy, extra foam, whipped cream, nutmeg, and caramel. Leave room for coffee?

Wifi in Hell

"You don't whisper anymore."

"I'll have a cup of coffee, and would you mind removing that ridiculous painting and turning off the Wilco?"

"She'll have a semi-wizened, double ristretto with a dot of quail's milk - and please recite a poem while you make it."

You've Had Enough!

Writers without borders.

Grandma's caf

"Oh, don't mind that, it's just my body of unseen work."

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

Hello, this is Cable News. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. As you know, we only have four short years until the next presidential election. So it's time to start asking: Who should run? Whom do you prefer? (A) Al Gore … (B) John Kerry … (C) Marco Rubio … (D) Ted Cruz ... (E) Christ Christie ... House of Java Cybercafe. How about (F) You? Mr. Eugene Yu is actually (T).

How About Serving Us For a Change

Ye Old Cafe: No Coffee Today - Sore Arm!

Coffee

Coffee Menu

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

Running Latte

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"I only drink decaf, otherwise I'm awake up to four hours a day."

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

"Introducing the Schultzaccino. Neither tea nor coffee."

"Whole bean or ground relentlessly to dust?"

"We'll always hate Paris."

"There you go bra. Double flat white and homage to Rothko's Seagram series."

I've got to monitor all chatter in the cafe to prevent future pastry thefts. I don't know … What if you've got a scone thief for a neighbor, or a friend, or even a family member? Sure, today it's just a scone. But the next attack could be huge – the big one! You don't mean … Hoagie. They're trying to destroy our whole way of life.

"Let's see, now, that's cappuccino, cappuccino, cappuccino, and cappuccino—right?"

"You gave me the wrong drink. I demand a total refund!!" "OK. Where's the drink?" "What do you mean? I drank it. It wasn't till I was done that I realized it was the wrong drink. The right drink leaves a different aftertaste." "You can't finish the drink and then ask for a refund. That's not how it works." "You didn't tell me that before I paid for the wrong drink. So that's on you." "That's not how it works!"

Dateline - Caf

The Stages of Coffee Addiction

'Ridiculously Expensive Coffee.'

Continental Drift.