Café Culture Gifts

'Ridiculously Expensive Coffee.'

'I wish they'd print the sizes in English.'

"Finches, don't look now, but there's a creepy guy staring at our beaks."

Garcons de Café

Scene of Grime murder in greasy spoon cafe.

'Wi-No Wi-Fi?'

'In what context do you mean 'Are you done?''

"Sorry for the confusion, but it's Poetry Night, not Poultry Night."

I have to admit, I enjoyed that fruity concoction you convinced me to try. In light of that, I will extend to you a brief respite from my usually relentless attacks upon your character.

I overheard you telling Rudy it would be wrong to use Microsoft's hololens to project the faces of beautiful people onto homely people. That's right. Hypothetically speaking, how would you, as a customer, feel about a caf

I have this really bad itch on my ne

It's brilliant. Customers can have the opportunity to learn the secrets of making espresso drinks. We'll charge them double if they want to make their own, and, get this

Listen to this review of the caf

This is terrible! What? The far-right is boycotting our cafe. Our business is getting killed. How do they do it? How do they have so much power? Go on in. They're serving up a warm cup of eternal damnation. I thought it was Starbucks!

This is terrible! What? The far-right is boycotting our cafe. Our business is getting killed. How do they do it? How do they have so much power? Go on in. They're serving up a warm cup of eternal damnation. I thought it was Starbucks!

Armstrong, how can we have a grand opening sale? The cafe opened years ago. Big deal. It sounds great: Grand Opening. Check out the banner I had made. Grand Opening. Everything must go!!! You'll say anything. If you find lowers prices, my name isn't Dan Leidershvantz III.

I've got to monitor all chatter in the cafe to prevent future pastry thefts. I don't know … What if you've got a scone thief for a neighbor, or a friend, or even a family member? Sure, today it's just a scone. But the next attack could be huge – the big one! You don't mean … Hoagie. They're trying to destroy our whole way of life.

The House of Java Cafe was suddenly a house divided. The humble establishment had been divided into faith-based and non-faith-based seating. Heathen! Blasphemer! Cereal-eater! Judgmental scone-lover! You have no values. You have even less! And some walking a not-so-delicate line down the middle. You're all stinkin' losers!

"Isn't it great how everyone's saying how air travel leaves a big carbon footprint? Now I can stop being depressed and instead feel self righteous about never being able to afford an exotic vacation!"

You've been extending Randy credit to buy food and drinks? You've no right! That's thousands of dollars. Have you any idea what that … Armstrong? Defibrillator. C'mon, really. It's not that bad. Okay, fine, make a show of it. Defibrillator! And a coroner.

Cup of tea. You always order that. Why not try something else? Because unlike you and your entire generation, I don

Boss, what would you say if I told you that if you don't give me a raise, I'll go work somewhere else? I'd say "Wouldn't it be a shame if your letter of recommendation mentioned how you're an awful employee?" And I'd say "Isn't it a shame the town council has made sure this is the only cafe within fifty miles?" But the way, have you delivered my latest care packages to the council members? Very bad man.

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

Cup of tea. You always order that. Why not try something else? Because unlike you and your entire generation, I don

"Coffee wants me."

Lisa's cafe

"Whole bean or ground relentlessly to dust?"

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"Damn To-Go punks!"

"Bad news, there's a new app that helps people spell their own names wrong."

"I'll have a cup of coffee, and would you mind removing that ridiculous painting and turning off the Wilco?"

"The end is near."

"As soon as Juan Valdez gets here I'll have my coffee black."

"Let's see, now, that's cappuccino, cappuccino, cappuccino, and cappuccino—right?"

"Is that decaf?"