Closed Captioning Fan Gifts

The dream was a little hard to follow â€" but the closed captioning helped.

Job Vacancy: Human cannonball. Applicants must of the right calibre

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

I break for toilet paper

Alpha males through the ages!

The Cheshire Cat drinking tea.

"No, it's not a growth; It looks more like a bite.''

How Will They Manage without Us?

"This guy looks like he's really out of touch."

'I'm the good witch...this is my house made out of dental products.'

Lane restricted to cars with three or more persons at least one of whom is a woman or visible minority.

'She's dealing multiple prescriptions. This is the 3rd pharmacy today where she got these highly addictive Chocolate Bits.'

"She's genetically modified, you know."

"Having captions above makes me feel like I'm doing grand opera."

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

"I hear you're something big in the city?"

"Stand-up comedy." "On-your-knees-with-gas-pain comedy." "Please, God, make it stop..."

"It's true she's back to the same weight she was on her wedding day, but remember that she was 9 months pregnant with triplets then..."

"International Women's Day... When do men get their day?"

'Mary, watch where you're pointing that thing!'

"They don’t seem to mind us — it's the humans they want to keep away."

"I'm crossing the road to keep my social distance."

Death to Stultophobia

"I'll get that. First go get me a glass of warm water."

Warming hands over soup.

"Martha, are you sure you're not marrying me for money?"

'Hi - I'm from the Government, and I'm here to implant this little chip in your brain.'

Do not allow your owner to foul the footpath.

"Does my bum look big in this?"

"Ooh...this looks like fun. I could do with a good giggle!"

'The following program was made possible by a secret cabal of greedy capitalists....'

Civilization Ltd Urgently Asks To Stigmatize the Unvaccinated!

'They're a nuisance, but they keep the smaller vermin down.'

A panhandler with a sign that reads "Sadder but no wiser".

"How do I know you won't turn around and blow it all on milk?"