Classic Detective Story Enthusiast T-Shirts

"The usual, Al. Just sharpen the nose and hone the chin."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

The Elliot Ness monster.

The mysterious Sherlock Holmes - 'Is he wearing his cap backwards or forwards?'

'You know bank pens never work. Why didn't you write the holdup note before we left?!'

'Ah Mr Bond, I haven't been expecting you...'

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

'It was part way through the initial investigation that detective Walters felt as if he was being watched, but there was no one in the room. No one that is except the cat, who sat contently on the chair and watched him with an almost human repose.'

'They're very proud of me. I'm the first in my family to be convicted of a white-collar crime.'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

"You're not grandma at all! In fact, I think this is a case of identity theft!"

'Not only didn't he turn into a prince, but he gave me these awful warts!'

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

Benjamin Bunny re-writes Beatrix Potter

"This, Yorik... Do you know him well?"

"I did, boss, I swear, I buried him myself."

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

Writers wait in their area of expertise.

Fish mobsters.

The Ballad of the Lavender Dot - Part Three

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

"Daddy, can I have a pony killed?"

'Tonight's special presentation, 'The Myth of the Mafia,' was made possible by a grant from the Gambino family.'

"I almost got away with it! Then somebody called in the SWAT team!"

'It's Yorick all right - I know his DNA well.'

"Sorry, Boss, I thought you wanted me to make it look like an accident."

Al Pacino

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

Fake Counterfeit Money

"Your Honor, I wish to introduce as Exhibit A this bullet with the victim's name on it."

'Aghh! I've been visited by the Russian mafia.'

Diary of a DNA Cop

'...Just goes to show you, you can't trust anyone.'

'Same tragic story...A disgruntled athletic trainer burst into the locker room and starts taping players at random...'