Classic Detective Story Aficionado T-Shirts

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

The Elliot Ness monster.

"That's her - that's the girl who broke into our house! But her hair was 'goldier'."

'You know bank pens never work. Why didn't you write the holdup note before we left?!'

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

'It was part way through the initial investigation that detective Walters felt as if he was being watched, but there was no one in the room. No one that is except the cat, who sat contently on the chair and watched him with an almost human repose.'

"You're not grandma at all! In fact, I think this is a case of identity theft!"

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

'They're very proud of me. I'm the first in my family to be convicted of a white-collar crime.'

'Not only didn't he turn into a prince, but he gave me these awful warts!'

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

"This, Yorik... Do you know him well?"

"I did, boss, I swear, I buried him myself."

Writers wait in their area of expertise.

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

Benjamin Bunny re-writes Beatrix Potter

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

"Daddy, can I have a pony killed?"

'Tonight's special presentation, 'The Myth of the Mafia,' was made possible by a grant from the Gambino family.'

"I almost got away with it! Then somebody called in the SWAT team!"

The Mousetrap, by Agatha Christie

'Aghh! I've been visited by the Russian mafia.'

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

'It's Yorick all right - I know his DNA well.'

Fake Counterfeit Money

"Your Honor, I wish to introduce as Exhibit A this bullet with the victim's name on it."

"Any clues?"

'...Just goes to show you, you can't trust anyone.'

'Same tragic story...A disgruntled athletic trainer burst into the locker room and starts taping players at random...'