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Diary of a DNA Cop

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

The Elliot Ness monster.

"That's her - that's the girl who broke into our house! But her hair was 'goldier'."

'You know bank pens never work. Why didn't you write the holdup note before we left?!'

'Ah Mr Bond, I haven't been expecting you...'

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

'It was part way through the initial investigation that detective Walters felt as if he was being watched, but there was no one in the room. No one that is except the cat, who sat contently on the chair and watched him with an almost human repose.'

'They're very proud of me. I'm the first in my family to be convicted of a white-collar crime.'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

"You're not grandma at all! In fact, I think this is a case of identity theft!"

'Not only didn't he turn into a prince, but he gave me these awful warts!'

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

"I did, boss, I swear, I buried him myself."

Benjamin Bunny re-writes Beatrix Potter

"This, Yorik... Do you know him well?"

Writers wait in their area of expertise.

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

Fish mobsters.

The Ballad of the Lavender Dot - Part Three

"Daddy, can I have a pony killed?"

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

"I almost got away with it! Then somebody called in the SWAT team!"

"Sorry, Boss, I thought you wanted me to make it look like an accident."

'It's Yorick all right - I know his DNA well.'

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

Al Pacino

"Your Honor, I wish to introduce as Exhibit A this bullet with the victim's name on it."

'Tonight's special presentation, 'The Myth of the Mafia,' was made possible by a grant from the Gambino family.'

Fake Counterfeit Money

'Aghh! I've been visited by the Russian mafia.'

The Mousetrap, by Agatha Christie

"Any clues?"

'...Just goes to show you, you can't trust anyone.'